How to write poorly in under five minutes

I expect politicians to use a lot of words and not say anything. But when I read an article online about something great Microsoft is doing for small business, I expect it to inform me.

Back in the days of keyword stuffing, that expectation was somewhat unrealistic. But in the current Google algorithm ecosystem, writers need to get to the point tout suite. I sacrifice the following lead paragraph on the altar to the writing gods in the hope that it will prevent some innocent young writers from straying down this path:

Microsoft opened the floodgates of opportunities for small marketers that are unable to spend more for highly advanced data analytics tools. What the Microsoft power business intelligence is able to offer small businesses is quite impressive. The emergence of data analytics helped small digital marketing businesses survive the tight competition in the digital marketing environment. Unlike bigger enterprises, small businesses are incapable of building their own big data infrastructures for analytics. However, Microsoft is able to offer viable business intelligence tools with various capabilities that can help marketers build their own analytics program that work with various platforms.

1. Microsoft opened the floodgates of opportunities for small marketers that are unable to spend more for highly advanced data analytics tools. The writer probably thought opening with “floodgate” imagery would capture attention. Fail. Next, without a reference, “spend more” says nothing. The sentence is pointless, if not meaningless.
2. What the Microsoft power business intelligence is able to offer small businesses is quite impressive. Really? Then impress me and do it in the next sentence.
3. The emergence of data analytics helped small digital marketing businesses survive the tight competition in the digital marketing environment. Hey wait! I wanted to be impressed. Is this the start a history lesson?
4. Unlike bigger enterprises, small businesses are incapable of building their own big data infrastructures for analytics. If I’m not mistaken, this is the same as the first sentence, but in fewer words…so maybe that’s progress.
5. However, Microsoft is able to offer viable business intelligence tools with various capabilities that can help marketers build their own analytics program that work with various platforms. Various things are bad in the final sentence of this lead paragraph. Now I’m wondering if Microsoft is really offering this thing, or if the Redmond behemoth is merely able to offer it if the bigwigs decide to smile on small businesses.

For scorekeepers, that paragraph is 98 words long and doesn’t give us more than about 10 words of information. Not a good batting average. If you’ve ever read high school essays, you recognize this style of writing; the essay has to be 1,000 words, so it’s crucial to kill about 100 of those in the first paragraph without saying anything because that would take words away from the rest of the essay.

Don’t fall into this trap. I know that many analysts today say that long-form posts get the most shares, but don’t stretch your information to the breaking point. If you want to write 2,000 words, pack in enough information and entertainment to keep the reader constantly engaged.